It's 00:12am and this may be the hardest thing I'll ever write....

.........many of you know that I am on a weightloss journey, one I've been on now since June 2016, now I've wrote about my progress which is never ending and I've wrote about how physically trying this journey has been but I've not yet wrote about how mentally trying this journey is and I wasn't planning to, but I feel like I need to, I feel like I need to be honest and open up a little and I'll get to why but first I need you all to understand that when it comes to my mental health, I keep that very much to myself and a select few of my nearest and dearest, literally it's in a tight bubble that has been welded shut for a long time, but now I feel like I can bust open that bubble and let the world in a little bit.

Have you ever heard the saying 'exercise is a anti-depressant' well guess what, it's true, I work-out 5-6 days of the week, leaving me with 1-2 days rest days. On the days I work-out I feel fantastic, I feel strong, like my body can do anything I put it through, I feel good and that for me is major, physically and mentally I am at my peak after I've worked out. Now on my rest days I should just rest, right? I should feel good, right? because I'm letting my body recover from all the amazing work I've been doing in the week, but no. I seem to fall in darkness and self-loathing, you see I'm not upset with anyone but me, I wish on those days two things, one - I was someone else and two - that I could work-out because it makes me feel good, but I can't work-out every day of the week, and my downfall always happens at night once the girls are asleep and Nick and I are chilling doing our own thing and I am there left to my own brain, to my own thoughts and that becomes nasty and dangerous. Today was a rest day and as usual I was left in a bad place, thankfully I have Nick, who actually was the one that suggested I write this.

I've always struggled with my appearance and todays blog post will explain that more, I feel like the two posts will coincide with each other so I feel like this post needs to be written now. Don't get me wrong I love every thing about my life, the people in it, where I am, everything, I just haven't yet found that love for myself and some days I just don't feel like I deserve it, and instead of telling myself to shut the hell up, I let that take over until I'm mentally tired and worn down by my own negativity.

I don't know if this post will make sense to anyone but I felt like it was something I needed to write, at the beginning I did say I was going to tell you why, so bare with me this is harder to put in words than I imagined. On Instagram I track my weightloss journey with everything, the food I eat, the walks I go on, the sweaty post work-out selfies and I get overwhelmed with the amount of positive feedback I've received, amazing women telling me I'm their inspiration, and people who are on the same journey as I'm on telling me I'm the reason they decided to work-out today. Now I am absolutely uncontrollably, 110% grateful for everyone who writes me things like that but I feel like sometimes, I'm letting them down by not sharing what's really going on. I don't want to mislead people into thinking I've got my shizz together every day, because the sad truth is I haven't. I felt like I was lying to everyone and in that I was disappointing every single one of them and that just added onto the self-loathing, until now, having written this I hope those rest days I'm hating on myself will cease to exist because I have written this and opened up a little bit. I hope with this written I can keep on inspiring people, because the idea of me misleading anyone hurts me so much that the thought of it alone brings tears to my eyes.

This wasn't easy to write but I feel like because there is so much of me now online, including my post work-out sweat filled selfies (cringe) I needed to add this, but before I finish I want to say one more thing, those people that tell me I inspire them, thank you from the bottom of my heart, thank you. I feel like we are playing a giant game of ping pong and that little ball is inspiration going back and forth, because without you inspiring me, I wouldn't be able to do what I do, well I might be but I wouldn't be doing the best I can be without every one. I would like to think in this world that's filled with so much negativity that we are all standing together as one, as each others cheerleaders, as each others support pillars. This is who we are and we go along together picking each other up, pushing each other forward, never backing down.

I am so thankfully and grateful that I have found a community online that I am accepted in but I wouldn't have got this far without the support and encouragement from YOU!

PEACE & LOVE. ZOE X