When I type 'Happy' into google the first thing I see is the definition which is 'The Feeling of pleasure or contentment' Now when I think about my life I check things off, In my relationship do I get the feeling of pleasure and contentment - YES and then some. Do I have the feeling of pleasure and contentment in my home life and as a mother. YES. Am I happy in myself, do I feel content with myself. NO. That last answer in my opinion needs to change, that's clear because I'm tired, I am god damn tired of looking at myself in the mirror and being disgusted and unhappy, I am tired of working out to punish my body for getting big when really I should be celebrating the fact my body can workout and my body is changing. It's easy when it's written like this, so why isn't it easy like a flick of a switch in ones mind to be happy with oneself.
Now if I break it down, I like my eyes, my lips I've thought were always a little small but in portion to my face and don't get me started on my nose, the honk I inherited from my mother and so did my brothers, my sister was the lucky one, so I'm ok with certain features of my face but why in my mind have I always told myself I'm the ugly one, the ugly sister, the face only a mother could love? Why? It's frustrating because some days like today I feel good about my appearance but I can't tell you what tomorrow will be like.
I love taking care of my face, I'm in love with face masks especially ones that work, I love putting on a little make-up (mascara and eyeliner) I love keeping my face and body fresh and clean but on bad days when I'm down and I'm hating myself for looking how I look, I forget about myself, I neglect myself so bad to the point where sometimes I can pull my hair tie from my hand and it would stand for a little while. That's me on really really bad days that turn into falling into a spiral of self hate that lasts a week, but that's what I want to stop. Because I know this is my only body, it's the only one I'm going to get and I've already said I like certain things, so why can't I keep that positivity and contentment, why can't I make it last and radiate it to other aspects of myself?
I've set myself a challenge, a Happiness challenge if you will. Where everyday even If I feel like falling into that dark abyss I will practice being happy with myself, even if I have to force myself in front of a mirror and say things that will embarrass the hell out of me. I will do it because I'm raising two beautiful baby girls, who will look up to me as they grow and I want them to see a mother who is happy with herself and confident in her own skin. So yea that's what's happening right now and to think I thought about all this whilst watching Grease last night and remembering a summer a long time ago where I ruined my mums VHS tape by watching it over and over, singing and dancing and just not caring.
I am still dieting, I am still working out and staying active, I'm still trying to get to my goal weight, I'm still writing and I'm drawing again now. I don't just want to do one thing and leave out all the things I used to do that made me feel good about myself, so I will be doing it all, after all I am a women, the master of multitasking. The maker of her own happiness.